boxed in.

it's interesting how things i used to think were inherently true about "grown ups" and (therefore i suppose i assumed would be true about me) are either falsehoods or they aren't necessarily "the way".

i'm quitting my job at the end of this month, moving out of new york city and into a cabin in the woods.  it's not as crazy as it seems when i put it that way in one sentence, but nevertheless, it's monumental within my life.

it doesn't feel like i'm throwing caution to the wind by moving out of my stable job and into a town i don't really know to pursue freelance (read: unstable) work and focus on my art.  i think to some [more responsible?] people i am throwing caution to the wind.  to me i feel like maybe i'm throwing precaution to the wind, but not caution?

i'm not as worried as i was even three years ago about certain words ("job related to your major" "entertainment industry") and things i always thought would be especially important to me.  three years ago i was sure i was the type that craved structure, aka a desk job.  notebooks, organization, dependability!  they were things i was good at and therein i guess i assumed those were things i needed to have consistently in my life.

i think what i need to do at this moment in time - which is terrifying - is to do something i'm not that good at - navigate a less dependable lifestyle and pursue the things that make me feel really alive, even if they are challenging or scary or uncharted.

i came out of college with a lot of assumptions about the world, and a lot of assumptions about how people in the world were operating - especially people who were operating in ways that were converse to how i perceived i would operate as a future self.  i think part of the growth i've gone through and am continuing to go through means accepting that i wasn't right about a lot of stuff.  it's kind of scary to accept because the wrongness of my assertions (upon myself and probably upon friends) over the past couple of years stick to me like an embarrassing revelation.  they make me feel awkward and kind of like i've been an asshole all this time.  it's something i just need to get over, accept, move on from, and and at the same time maybe, embrace.